Dear friends,
I need to first apologize for not being able to continue my pregnancy series of posts (alot of things I wanted to write are in draft form and my hope is that Ill be able to finish them up over time and publish them one by one as I had so much to share). The last trimester of my pregnancy was filled with an almost daily fatigue that I had no control over, which meant I needed ALOT of sleep during the day (nights as well, but considering I was up to go to the toilet every couple of hours, the broken sleep only compounded the tiredness). Lastly, on top of that, I unfortunately developed a pretty bad case of carpel tunnel syndrome which rendered my fingers quite useless as I couldn’t bend them when I woke up in the mornings… it meant that on top of not being able to sit at my desk for long (due to back pains), I could no longer really edit, type, or hold heavy things. Sometimes even squeezing my own toothpaste became impossible, and typing on the phone for messages would be difficult. So I had to hold off doing blog posts and many other things during my last trimester, to just concentrate on staying healthy and comfortable.
Since then, I have given birth to our baby girl, Sienna Rose. We chose this name, mainly inspired by my husband and I’s love for travel. We loved Italy (particularly the tuscany region, and decided Florence was too old sounding, so it made sense to go with its neighboring city, Siena). Rose, was chosen as her middle name as it has always been something classic, beautiful and feminine and that is how I hope our daughter will grow up to be one day :)
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Sienna actually arrived 2 whole weeks earlier than expected. We went in for a routine check up, only to be told that our baby girl would arrive anytime as she was already engaged in position and the Dr could feel her head. It was quite scary to hear that, as I wasn’t quite prepared to be a mother just yet. I had so many things I still wanted to do, but as life would have it, things never happen as planned as we came back to the hospital a couple of days after that appointment, and our daughter arrived into the world the next day. Due to complications that I’d rather not delve into again, I unfortunately could not go through with a natural delivery as I originally wanted, and had to under go an emergency c-section. It was honestly the last thing I wanted, and I remember being in tears as I was rolled into the OT. I was shivering, and terrified, and if it were not for a really calm and gentle Dr, and my husband holding my hand, I think I would have been overcome and paralyzed by the anxiety attack I was having. I remember thinking, I have spent 9 months planning for this day, but nothing is ever really in your control, and that the best thing I can do is to plan in wisdom given, but also be aware and be prepared that anything can happen. Through that, trust God, and know everything is in His sovereign hands. While that doesn’t mean things will go smoothly, or well, or even good, what it does mean though, is that I can rest assured knowing that someone bigger than me, bigger than life, bigger than death even, and the one who did not even spare His own son for my salvation, has my best interests in His hands. That He works everything for our good.
So, It turns out, the whole cesarian process was over in about 15-20 minutes. The last thing I remember was holding tightly onto my husband’s fingers, and next thing I knew, I could hear tiny shrieks of new born breath in the form of cries filling the blue and white walls of the OT. I knew then our girl had arrived safely, and already with her eyes wide open. But it was not until she was placed onto my chest, and I met her for the first time face to face, that I was flooded with feelings of awe – knowing that who had grown inside of me for 9 whole months and started off from being as tiny as a poppy seed, grew into the little being that was laying on my chest. All 3KG of beautiful goodness wrapped up in swaddles, just looking at me with her already open eyes. It is in those moments, I was completely reminded and floored by what God creates with His two hands. To know that a full human being is formed from just two tiny cells that in essence only have 1 day to find each other, can turn into a human being with a beating heart that will eventually learn to love, with a voice that will eventually learn to call me mamma, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, with lungs that can breathe, with a brain that can eventually learn to process the world around it and learn things like reading, writing, and so on. When I think of these things, it just bowls me over in wonderment and reverence for how clever our God is. He is truly to be praised :)
Anyhow, in this post, I wanted to also share with you how motherhood has been the past 6 weeks, but I might save that for another post as there is so much to actually still process myself, while I am still finding my feet and learning on all fronts. I went through a period of post partum blues, and the past 6 weeks while it involved alot of joy, it also involved a number of serious meltdowns that I still need to work through in my head before telling the world in all its painful detail. Instead, for now, below are some photos that my husband managed to take of Sienna’s birth. I am so glad he was able to cement these slices of time and life for us, since the procedure was quite a blur, and my memory of it all was a complete haze. I am not sure if it was because I was so afraid that I passed out, or perhaps it was the painkillers they gave me… but I don’t remember anything after clinging onto my husband’s fingers. So, these moments are incredibly precious to me, and I share them with quiet trepidation as I am still quite a private person despite so much of my work life being online. Ironic, I know. Things such as these, my husband, and my family are still very closed boxes of my life, and ones that I still like to keep behind sheltered doors. So I hope you enjoy seeing these little pieces of our first memories together as a family of three :)
Next post I’ll be sharing our maternity shoot photos so stay tuned for that tomorrow (uh huh, blogging in that order, totally makes sense right? haha… well, thats what happens when you have a newborn and it now takes weeks to compile a post in between puke, poop, and constantly walking around the house to settle your bub :P )
Lastly, thank you to everyone who sent us messages, visited, and so on. I know we haven’t been able to thank all of you in person, but I hope with time, we will be able to. In the meantime, please know we read all your beautiful words and they really meant so very much to us. xo
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Dearest Jenny,
Sounds crazy but I’ve thought a lot about you these last few weeks wondering how you were doing. I still remember my first few weeks as a mama, I was simultaneously both absolutely terrified and mesmerized, half the time just throwing stuff together hoping something works and the other half just trying to process and embrace and fall so hopelessly in love with our right now.
The good and bad news is that everything you know about life is forever changed. It is both a privilege and a yoke at times but it is God-designed beauty. He will not leave you, He will not forsake you, and yes, He does have a plan so beautifully written for you and Miss Siena Rose.
I told this to Kel Li when she first mentioned that you were pregnant, but if you ever have any questions, no matter how silly and crazy they sound, I’m part of a group of mamas that meet up just to support each other and or throw chocolate to each other from a safe distance. (IBU Family Resource Group on FB – Bumps & Babes)
Motherhood is hard sacred work. Our teeny tiny is now six months old and I wonder where time has gone yet I also remember those precious first few months where I was so overwhelmed. If I could go back, there’s so many things I would like to tell me. But because I can’t, I’ll tell you instead and all the new mamas that come and grow and pass the torch on to another new mama.
It’s okay. Breathe. Babies just cry sometimes. Listen to your gut. There is no right or wrong only what works best for your family and only you can answer that. It won’t always be this hard and yes, someday, you will master this. Getting pooped on is a rite of passage. Worrying and worrying and constantly worrying is also part of the crazy of having a living breathing part of your heart beating out of your chest. Take care of yourself. You are a better mama when you do. Even if that means leaving teeny tiny with capable trusted hands so you can see the outside world and eat a whole meal uninterrupted. Yes, the first few minutes will feel like freedom and you will run without abandon and yes, half an hour later, you will miss her so intensely and can’t wait to get back. Be kind to yourself. Don’t compare someone else’s highlight reel w your real life reel. Yes, every mother thinks they are crazy when their child sleeps through the night for the first time then proceeds to stay awake the whole night to check if they are still breathing. You are not crazy, you are just mama. But most of all, and I know you know this already, trust God. Show grace. Love each other.
Enjoy that little girl, mama.
Xx