Dear friends, late in January this year, I lost a 3rd baby in my womb. It was my 3rd miscarriage in 3 years, with the last 2 within 12 months of each other. After a crippling year in 2020 which basically robbed me of most of my work and income, this miscarriage came at a time when I was already questioning a lot and wondering what was the good written on the pages of it all. A lot of it did not make sense to me. And If I am being honest, a lot of it still does not make sense. I had thought after the 2nd loss I went through just under 12 months prior, I would not need to revisit the same kind of questions, or feel the familiar sting of death in my womb since I had taken measures to turn around my health, see specialists, and be better prepared. But 2021 greeted me with the same nonetheless and despite going through it twice before, I was not ready for this 3rd loss. In fact, I may have wept more over this one, not because it was the 3rd, but because this one felt really final.
But this isn’t meant to be a story of me or about the grief – the point of all this is not the loss. But about the hope I hold in my hands now. I am not sad. At least not anymore. Do I have questions? Yes. For sure. Maybe I always will. Do I still sometimes look at expecting mothers or bigger families with a silent ache? Definitely sometimes. But If I have learned anything from the last 3 years of major loss after loss, it is that while I can hurt, God is still good. Both can be true at the same time. Joy and sorrow can intertwine. And just because I am afflicted, it does not nullify God’s goodness. In fact, the last 3 years have only proven that the chapters of adversity and heartache only magnified it. You see, what was taken away is not the end of the story. God, in his grace, and in the richness of his mercy, is writing something far far better from this messiness. He is a restoring God. The more I read of the bible, the more I see how God is always making new from what was once broken. Giving life to what was considered lost, and turning what is considered terrible to things that are beautiful and better.
When Joseph’s brothers sold him as a slave to Egypt, despite years of imprisonment and suffering, it resulted in the saving of not only the entire nation of Egypt during a time of severe famine, but also Joseph’s family. When the people shouted “crucify him” and had Jesus hung on a cross to die, this act of evil became the very deed that gave salvation to every person on earth. God’s faithfulness was present in both moments, through it and after it, saturating each page of what was being poured out. He never forgot the promises He made to His people, nor those who loved Him. And just like Joseph and Jesus, God is also working through the 3 lives I lost before I could meet them, and also in how the coronavirus has so impacted my life. I may not see all of what God is ultimately up to right now, but I can trust that He is good and faithful with confidence because of the steadfastness of the testimonies left by the saints in the bible who have gone before me.
So while our wounds and God’s goodness can walk side by side at the same time, the reality is that the latter of the two truths changes everything. Because God is good, the hurt is not meaningless nor random. There is design and purpose to it. It is not empty. God uses all of it. He turns every broken piece of it for glory. He has demonstrated in the stripping away of my blessings, that He isn’t cruel, but that He cares. Not the light kind of caring that just produces thin and temporal good vibes which much of the world already offers but doesn’t satisfy. No, He cares with the deep kind of agape love that wants to ensure my faith isn’t lost or crippled by anything in this life, and to guarantee the rock solid security of where my joy is rooted.
That is why I praise God for this season. God is using it as the fire that proves and builds our faith. He is finishing the promise he started in me: “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6” That is, the forging of a faith inside that is indelible and unwavering even if the circumstances around us change. A mighty faith that holds fast like a fortress. An indestructible faith. One that weathers the storm, and comes out even stronger on the other side. And in the process, obtains the most priceless prize of all – more of God Himself. So While I don’t rejoice in the death of my 3 babies or how different life looks like now post 2020, I do rejoice in what God has done and is continuing to do in me through it all.
It has reminded me that God is so good, even when it hurts. And while things here on earth are not the way they were designed to be, there is much better waiting ahead when Christ returns. I look forward to the day where there will be no more broken bodies, dying babies, poverty, or death, or tears. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelations 21:4” God has promised it. So that means it’s coming. And I know from His word, that what He says is utterly trustworthy because of Christ who died on the cross – He is proof of the yes and amen to all of God’s promises.
That is why, friends, if you are walking in a season of hurt or loss, join me in thanking God for this chapter He is writing. We have a choice with every situation that may cause us pain – May we always choose to suffer well. May we be reminded to always look up. To set our sights on Jesus every time. And to let our focus be on what is waiting for us in Heaven – not just eternal life, but a place forever with God and our Saviour Himself.
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-7.