Category Archives: Life

A Letter to the Discontent – Is it Ever Enough?

 

I’m sorry this is an almost photoless post, my friends. But I have made it a point to write more frequently here so that I can put out more regular content for you all. And also to return back to my first love of writing.

So on that note. Here we go :)

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There is so much hate on social media lately.

I know this is a rather strange topic to ‘return’ to this blog to be writing about, but it’s been a matter that has been circulating in and out of my mind for months. And the more and more people I talk to, or rather, the more people that talk to me about it, the more I realise there is a growing culture of discontent breeding and permeating the current generation of us who spend a large portion of our time online – which lets face it… is most of us.

So many of ‘us’ are unhappy or never truly satisfied. Just when we think, YES, I think I am ok, we are hit with another wave of restlessness. We want more. Or become jealous over those who have what we seemingly think makes up the life we wish we had.

…. Why?

It is because we are the person who looks at that someone’s never ending load of ‘free stuff’ and wonder why we don’t get the same things. We are the person who sees another’s perfect relationship online and then questions ‘why doesn’t my partner love me like that’. We are the mother who sees another’s child and feels crummy when they are celebrating their baby sleeping through the night when you are still waking up 3 times a night and questioning if your baby will ever do the same. We are that person who looks at the other person’s followers and goes – why aren’t I more famous? We are that person working 9-5 every day slugging it to make ends meet and looking at a friend who gets to travel the world and buy designer goods and you wonder, why is it so hard? We are the person who looks at another woman’s body and wonders why our own legs are not as long, or our abs only have 2 packs instead of 6, or why their eyes and nose are perfect when yours are small and crooked. You are the woman who cannot get pregnant after 8 years of trying and see what seems like the 50th pregnancy announcement on instagram this year and question, what is wrong with me? The list goes on and on people. I could keep typing for many more hours. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

And why is it like this?

It is because SO MUCH OF OUR LIVES is online these days. SO MUCH.

I know I am sounding like somewhat of a hypocrite writing out these words, considering I run two brands that heavily uses social media as part of its business.

But hear me out.

Just 6 years ago, facebook and instagram were still baby platforms. I hopped on the bandwagon when using the in program filters was considered cool, I had to sign up an account for my husband because he didn’t see what the big deal was, and back then it was not about curating the perfect looking feed. It was simply a means to see what your friends were up to. Just 6 years ago, my friends! Before that, I was using the traditional methods of a website and a blog to put out my work and my writing. People didn’t know what was going on in another person’s life unless you actually met up with them and talked to them face to face over coffee or on the phone and really just ‘caught up’ (that, or gossip. But for the purpose of this post, we won’t go into this latter. Maybe at another time, ok? ). People also didn’t check their phones as the first and last things they did in the day.

Today? Nowadays, our eyes and our minds are completely SATURATED with content. Daily. Hourly. Maybe even by the minute.

What others are doing, buying, eating, where they are, how they are feeling, are literally thrown at us even if we aren’t searching for it (anyone seen the explore feed on Instagram? See my point?).

It is no wonder so many of us are not content with our lives.

In all honesty, I also question myself daily – am I using social media right? Do I use it too much? Am I being an ambassador that inspires and encourages? Or do I also breed and add to this culture of discontent and secret jealousy? I will also admit that I have caved into the whole envy wave and have been caught grumbling and wondering a number of ‘whys’  – my husband will attest to that. Its a cycle I have fought over and over.

Anyway… this post isn’t to jab. Not at all. I just wanted to raise the issue. Because I felt sad for a number of people I’ve spoken to who feel like they dont have enough. Sometimes they aren’t even aware they are doing it. But when I read the things they say online in jest, or when I sat down and looked at their lives in totality, they are INCREDIBLY BLESSED. I kept thinking – don’t you realise SO MANY PEOPLE out there don’t even have half of what you have. You have it good, girl.

So I guess, the purpose of this post apart from raising the issue, was also to hopefully encourage more of you out there to do two things.

1) Be aware of what you put out. Be sensitive. Think about those who may not get to enjoy whatever it is you are possibly going to gush about, and be wise about your captions appropriately.

And

2) For those who are feeling like they are on the losing end, or that their life isn’t enough….Remember that the things you have now, were once things you didn’t have before. Or perhaps they were things you wished for previously. And for my brothers and sisters in christ, I want to share with you something a friend of mine shared recently that encouraged me in this area immensely:

She shared:

“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3

Did you read that? Did you look really carefully? BETTER THAN LIFE. Thats right people, God’s steadfast faithful and unfailing love is BETTER THAN LIFE itself.

We are cheated into thinking all the time that there is a better job, or a new life we should be living, or a more suitable spouse, a bigger house, nicer clothes and shoes, more friends, more followers an fans, that will satisfy this never ending thirst we have… but ever realise that once you have it, your mind wants more? I’ll let you in on a secret… it is because we weren’t designed for a life chasing purely after pleasures. They are good things to have and enjoy, but they should never be the basis of our happiness or contentment. I was reminded (again) of this recently.

I know we can keep looking towards ourselves (which is good! I’m not asking you to not do this. We should always keep working on a better version of ourselves) – but we humans are inherently flawed. And sinful at the core. So, because our flesh fails us, it reminds me we constantly need to look to the cross and our Saviour who promised complete fulfilment of our souls in Him. Only Christ can truly satisfy. He says so time and time again in His faithful word.

“I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” (John 6:35)

We can have all the fame, riches, perfect marriage and kids in the world, and keep feeding our hearts with pleasures, and I can bet your bottoms that it will never be ‘enough’. There is ALWAYS something else next. It is a tireless pursuit to look for completeness in things and people… because people inevitably also fail us, and possessions cannot love us back. And lets be honest, sometimes even love disappoints.

Now, before this post gets depressing, hear me out for a little longer. It will end on a good note (I hope! :D).

I just want to say first and foremost (before you roll your eyes at me in judgement thinking I’m some martyr), I don’t claim to be good at this. I have failed many times. So I’m also writing this post for me. To remind myself to be grateful. To pursue the right things. To remember that pleasures like money, clothes, holidays and so on are good things that God gives us to enjoy, but they should never become the benchmark for our definition of success or happiness. I am reminding myself to drink the water that completely satisfies from the well of life Himself. I am hoping this post reminds you of the same things.

To my non christian friends reading this, I know what I just said sounds weird. But if you take anything from this, I hope you take encouragement to spend less time comparing. And appreciate what you do have in the present. Spend less time online scrolling, and spend more of those minutes and hours of yours cultivating real relationships with those around you. And to remember to always be grateful for the small and the big things you have been given for there are always people out there who have less or nothing :) . The grass is not greener on the other side. It is green where you water it.

Alright… Tuesday night reflections are over. And it’s time to put the baby to sleep. Til my next post. Yes, my friends, I am trying harder to write more often.. Shorter posts, but more frequently. Hopefully ;)

ps: Enjoy the little graphic I designed below. It’s there for anyone who wants to save it and print it to keep as a reminder on your phone, your desk or wall or journals :)

Jenny Signoff
yoursteadfastlove

Happy One Year Sienna


I hear my baby crying.

I look to the clock and realize it’s late. The weight of fatigue is aching in my bones and my body sighs with the familiar tiredness that comes with the ushering of another evening. Another 24 hours past. Yes, it is late. But it is her usual hour of the night where she seems to sleep a little lighter than the other hours of the evening, and she becomes more unsettled.

Usually, I’d quickly run over and attend to her. Pat her back gently over and over again until she calms down and slowly drifts back into whatever dreamland she was in before what I like to call her ‘witching hour’ began. It almost always works. And within a few short minutes, she is sleeping soundly again and I will go about the rest of my night whether it is prepping her food for the next day, replying client emails, editing photos, or just spending time with my husband catching up on our day and relaxing in front of the TV.

However this evening, she was a little more restless than usual. So I decided to pick her up and cradle her in my arms.

For some reason, tonight, I felt an intense need to just hold her.

It is the eve of her first birthday. Yup, we made it to a year.

364 whole days.

My, how far we have come since those early newborn days when the rawness of motherhood weighed on my shoulders so heavily it bore tears on my back from the burden of trying to ‘get it all right’ and the uncertainty of how things would pan out with raising a high-needs baby. Would this ever end? Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be this hard? When will this get better? Will I ever love my child? Why can’t I breastfeed? Am I abnormal? Why doesn’t my baby eat like other babies? Why can’t my child sleep better? Am I ever going to feel like myself again? Those were just some of the haunting questions from the beginning that plagued those fragile few months. Questions that now, thankfully, are just mere shadows. Remnants of another time.

Motherhood seemed so scary in those days. So terrifyingly alone despite being surrounded by so many people. However, a year of motherhood has somehow slowly forged a strength and a wisdom that continues to grow as I navigate through this season of life with Sienna. Don’t get me wrong, I am still learning. Every day in fact. But I am no longer that frightened woman who had all the baby preparation checklists crossed off, yet felt so naked under the buckling pressure that comes with the birth of your first child.

And then, while I was hugging her little frame in the bend of my arms, I realized that I had been holding on to the thought that my little girl would not look like how she does in this very moment much longer. Her baby features such as those incredibly round full cheeks we have become so familiar with, her little double chin, the folds of skin in between her arms and legs that I’ve come to love and adore so much, will soon be changing as she rapidly grows into toddlerhood… and then childhood… and then the teen years… and…. You get the picture. They grow up :(

How does time pass by SO quickly? Especially when at the beginning, it crawled so painfully by and the minutes would seem like hours, stretched between more hours.

I wasn’t ready for her to grow up.

And I guess that’s why I was holding on to her more these days. Because I don’t know for how much longer she will let me do this. You know, to just carry her. Sleep in my embrace. Or have my arms still be the most comfortable and easiest place to slumber away those tired eyes.

The irony of all this is, I used to resent that she would need me so much. Everyone around me commented that my child was crazy clingy. Overly so. They still do. It used to make me annoyed. Resentful. Bitter at times. Crave independence. And be jealous of those mothers who could push their baby in prams, or sleep in their own cot, or be able to go out on date nights with their husbands when I was stuck with a child who seemed forever chained to my side and constantly cried. Who never slept anywhere but my arms, and whom I could hardly bring outside because she would always wail, and would never sit in the stroller that her daddy so carefully handpicked just for her before she even inhaled her first breath.

Then something funny happened. One day, I started to like her more. She started to smile. Then I began to love her. She learned to respond to my voice. And then, we got to 1 year and now I cant bear the thought of putting her down because I know one day, I wont be able to hold her like I do now. She will get too heavy. And physically my bones will not be able to bear her flourishing weight. And of course, she will eventually prefer her friends over her mama.

So when she crawls towards me in her usual fierce stealth and proceeds to lift her hands upwards motioning to be picked up, I will pick her up. And I will scoop her into the cove of my elbow when she cries at night. Because I know it’s her mama she is crying for. It is me she wants. And I am telling myself every time it’s okay because with everything in regards to kids, it is only temporary. It passes with the pages of time. So I will embrace it. Celebrate it. Love it. For it doesn’t last forever, and one day I know we will miss these days with a piercing ache, when our babes needed us this much. Craved us so intensely.

She is not the easiest baby, and I am definitely so far from being the most perfect mother. But we love each other imperfectly, and in that irony that is what makes us perfect for each other.

So, as the last page of her first year of life makes a slow turn, I think about what kind of girl I want her to grow up to be… and these are the letters and words that form in my heart before this mamma of hers gets too old to remember. This letter is for her…

My dear baby girl,

The world is a big and scary place. But your mother knows that you will grow up to be all sorts of wonderful. However before you get there, you will come upon crossroads, and questions, and people who will tell you many things.

Of all those things, your mama just wants you to remember a few…..

First, remember that you are always beautiful. Whatever size, shape, or height you grow up to be, know that God made you that way purposefully and with intention. You don’t ever need to fix anything about your appearance. Remember that physical beauty is not everything. The world will tell you otherwise, and that you need to have perfectly symmetrical features. That your eyes should be a certain width and size. That your nose needs to be of a particular height and thinness. That the dresses you’re wearing are too large and that the gap in between your thighs is not wide enough. That you should be eating lettuce and starving your body to be beautiful. That you are less than amazing because you lack those very things.

Please know they are lying.

The truth is, beauty is seen in how you treat people. It is translated when you love those smaller and lesser than yourself with grace and abundance. And it is felt when you are friends with someone not because they have 150 thousand followers on their instagram account, but because you genuinely love their presence and care about what makes them happy or sad.

And you are incredible not because of the clothes you wear or how small the numbers on a scale say you are, but because your eyes can tell a thousand and one different shades of color and can see better than the best camera that exists today, because your voice has the capability to speak multiple languages and sing lilting or off key notes, because your hands have the nimbleness to hold a needle and thread the smallest of loops yet also carry the weight of a sack of rice from the car to the kitchen for your daddy one day, and also because your mind…your beautiful mind, is so intelligent because it has the potential to compute a million mathematical puzzles yet paint a rich tapestry of hues and shapes on a canvas. Just knowing those connective nerves in your brain are already teaching you how to form your first spoken words now as I type this letter to you amazes me.

Next, work hard and be responsible with all that you are given. But don’t ever get too busy chasing after money that you lose time making memories and doing life with those whom you love. Life and youth disappears faster than the next beat of your heart and no bank account you build is large enough to replace what time robs you of. Before you know it, you are old or loved ones have departed this life, or people have forgotten you.

Lastly, my baby, I want you to chase your dreams…. Yes, go after them… But don’t be fooled by the pursuit for fame or the ‘glamorous life’ to the point where you lose sight of the bigger picture or forget the more important things on this side of heaven and the other. It is an exhausting and often empty deceptive quest. They will tell you that it is all about how many people behind a screen follow you. But I will tell you my dear, that the only numbers that matter are the ones on your phone whom you have dialed and called up today to ask how their day has been. And how many people you have prayed for. And how many friends whom you can trust with your very life. Remember that popularity is not how many people whom you can gather on a computer to say they love you – that, my babe is a hollow representation of what a real leader should be. The secret is that people will be drawn to you instead by the hope you shine when you show them you are strong. And kind. And compassionate. And loving. And humble. And genuine. You don’t ever have to pretend you are perfect to earn the respect of those around you. Instead, shower your path with humility, and dignity, and be real about your flaws and imperfections because people are not looking for another plastic unattainable figurehead. Instead, they are looking for someone whom they can see as a sister, a friend, and find a fragment of themselves in, a trusted confidant. Hold yourself to a standard of grace and love always. And seek, relentlessly and steadfastly seek, to be that proverbs 31 woman that her children call blessed to have as their mother. And whose husband is proud to call his own. And whose friends are honored to call their sister. This is the kind of woman that God adores. And if the God of the universe says that is what pleases Him, we listen :)

Love,

Your mama.

…..

Happy One year old, my dear Sienna Rose :) Your daddy and I love you so very much.

Thank you to my sister in law, Bertha, who not only decorated the whole little family affair we had, but also made this beautiful and sweet birthday cake (in fabulous Red Velvet *shrieks*) for Sienna! Massive Love.

Pregnancy: 31 weeks and reflecting back to 12

I’m sitting here with a self-induced food coma, and finally getting this post finished….This entry was supposed to go up 3 days ago…but as life would have it, timing never works out as planned. Being pregnant (and I know that it becomes even more so when one becomes a mother after) you learn over time that you aren’t ever 100% in control of your own time… or your body! Currently, at 31 weeks, the fatigue that plagues the first trimester, has returned and has become a very unwelcome visitor every day this past week. So getting things done has been quite hard as I am always sleepy, my back always hurts, my feet (especially the heels!) are always screaming in pain, and the most comforting place is the bed where I can lay on my side…. the only position left nowadays that brings some long needed hours of rest and relief.

Thankfully though, at 31 weeks, while I am tired ALL the time, I do not have that WRETCHED all-day nausea anymore. Instead, I am hungry every 3 hours (although I cannot eat alot due to the diminishing amount of physical space inside me – it literally physically hurts to overeat, and I have learned the hard way that it is better to eat less, but more frequently instead of eating until I feel completely full and satisfied). Also, on the upside, most foods sit well with me now. Which is such a stark contrast to the first trimester where I hated anything and everything in sight – ESPECIALLY garlic. It is as if pregnancy has amplified my taste receptors to a scarily aware level because if I can taste even the slightest hint of garlic in a dish/food, I get sick… like the kind of nausea-sick I got in my first trimester. Which is sad… because anyone who knows me knows just HOW MUCH I loved garlic before I was pregnant…. I used to heap the stuff on in my food and could eat the cloves by themselves when they were baked in the oven. Now the thought and smell of the stuff sends me running in fear for my life. Yup, anything to avoid feeling as sick as I did during my first 4 months.

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If anyone asks me what I have been loving to eat lately? The usual burgers always hit the spot :D Sausage and egg mcmuffins (I love hashbrowns too but try really hard not to eat them too often for the sake of transfat health reasons haha), juicy beef burgers (although it has been a little sad to tell the kitchen to make the beef totally well done), DURIANS (omg, durians! especially when they have been refrigerated cold!), greek yoghurt with mango, fruits of ALL kinds, chilled fresh coconut juice, crackers and cheese, milk, and a special combination of chicken/rice/fried egg/steamed broccoli which has been a staple lunch for me lately :) The husband has been really really patient with me, and has been graciously providing food for the baby (ie. me haha) as and when I have wanted it. Thankfully, ridiculous late night food runs have not really been happening, except once. So the weight gain so far, has been about 11KG at 31 weeks.

And what has life looked like in the past week or two? Well, in terms of the baby…bub is moving ALL the time…. its kind of crazy that just weeks ago, catching baby movements was as hard as finding gold but now I am aware of when bub is rolling, turning, kicking, or having a dance party in my belly… more on that in the next post… For now, in terms of what life looks like at the moment?  I think the nesting stage has COMPLETELY taken over, because I have always hated cleaning the house. You’d have to beat me with a broom before I would get off my lazy bum and do it, but since entering my last trimester, I have had this intense need to wash all towels, linens, floors, dust shelves, clean mirrors and glass, organize rooms, cupboards, shoes, throw out SO MUCH CRAP, and work on the nursery. I don’t know what has come over me! I might leave “Project Nursery” for another post in my pregnancy journal series though, because all of you need to see what state this room used to be in (think dark, horrible store/junkyard kind of room), what our goal is, and what the end result ends up being :)

On another note, yes I am still working. It is insane how this workload never ends… so to those wondering, yup, I am still editing away, madly trying to finish up everything this month. My poor team members have been burning rubber with me… I am so grateful for them. Without this amazing team, I don’t know where I would be during this pregnancy. They have made it possible to still shoot, while working around nausea, tiredness, keep baby and me healthy, and still produce results that keep our clients happy. Thank you SO MUCH!!

Anyhow, I know at the end of my last post, I left you all with my thoughts on my first trimester, and how the 12 week scan changed so many things about how I felt about being pregnant and carrying a child. You see, when you have been sick for so many months, it is completely natural to question what on earth you got yourself into. Asking questions like, is this worth it? What am I doing? What if I suffer this sickness for the full nine months? All-day nausea was so completely debilitating that there were moments I swore I never wanted to ever be pregnant again. Does this opinion change as you get further along pregnancy? I think so… at least in my case it did :) And the 12 week scan was one of the things that helped kick start the change to appreciating carrying this beautiful God-given gift.

Pictured below is me at 31 weeks, holding my 12 week scan.

For the first time, I saw a baby. Before this, you don’t see anything much except a little black sac on the screen with a little nub that looks nothing more than a finger tip. But when I went into see what was inside me at 12 weeks, I was pretty much blown away that just after a few weeks, the baby looked so much like… a baby. I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but really, to see what you and your partner have created from just two cells in your body, and to see its beating heart, its legs, its arms, its head, is truly truly amazing. I don’t think you will ever understand the magnitude of this moment until you go through it yourself with your own child. So if at this point you think I’m a rambling pregnant lady, that is ok :) I know if/when it ever comes to your turn, you will get what I am talking about :) And just when I thought that was the most amazing thing ever….On the ultrasound screen, we then saw our baby roll around, wriggle its bottom to a different position and lift its hand up as if to say hello to us. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen…. so much so that I almost couldn’t stop laughing, to the point of near tears. It was at that point that it hit me…. bub is really there. It’s really alive. It’s growing. It’s real. And I think at that point is where I fell in love with my child, and was reminded just how amazing God’s creation is. Even despite my incredible sickness and the inability to eat (I lost weight in my first trimester!) for so many months, baby was still growing, looked beautiful, and was deemed healthy by our doctor. There was just so much to be thankful for at this moment. God had truly blessed us. And I prayed all the time from then onwards to please keep my child healthy, and that I would be more grateful for the life inside me when I knew alot of other women couldn’t have children.

I hope for all women out there who are pregnant (thank you, by the way to all the ladies who wrote in to me with your stories. I was so encouraged to know I am not alone, and that there are people out there who care. So much love goes out to all of you. Please don’t ever stop. Know that your words make my days brighter!), and are in the throws of sickness and suffering, know that what you are carrying and the work you are doing to carry a child and keep him/her healthy is truly amazing and a feat in itself. If anyone ever tells you otherwise or makes you feel otherwise, you can send them to talk to me! haha… I earnestly know just how hard it can be.

In my next post, I plan to talk about how pregnancy affected (or in my case, ruined!) my skin and my hair…. the things I did to help it…..baby movements and what they feel like, and how pregnancy has changed my marriage, amongst other things! :D

Thank you again for reading, and as always, my inbox and the comment bar below is always welcome to any questions or thoughts you may have :)

 

Jenny Signoff

Pregnancy: An initial summary

 

pregnantJS

The two sticks that changed my 2015 forever.

 

I am currently sitting at 29 weeks pregnant and finally getting down to this….. I have been sick for so much of this pregnancy, and then following that just so INSANELY busy trying to catch up on work before I entered my last trimester that I honestly haven’t even had time to set up the baby’s bed… bub will be sleeping on the floor at this rate! Anyway, I have been tossing and turning up the idea of sharing my pregnancy journey for months now… on one hand, I felt like it wasn’t anyone’s business to know what I was going through as all the important people in my life who needed to know already knew via personal and direct updates. On the other hand, there have been so many misunderstandings (especially on the work front) because people just don’t really know what it is really like to carry a child to full term for 9 months that it has actually caused me a great deal of stress which I really didn’t need on top of everything else I have been managing while being pregnant.

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Granted, there are a number of you out there who do get it…. you know, those who have been pregnant, those who are mummies, those of you who have wives or know ladies who have been/are pregnant…know that your encouragement and your advice has made the difference on some days. However, there is also a large number out there who don’t know…. those who have assumed I was just ‘under the weather’….those who thought being sick while pregnant was like having a common cold…. those who thought being tired had no idea it meant I was in bed 18 hours a day to just survive….and while every pregnancy is different, I felt it was time to write to clear things up… at least on my end  (Disclaimer: even sharing my stories shouldn’t be used as a benchmark or a comparison, but I hope to at least shed some light so people do not underestimate the monumental task of growing a baby, and grow to appreciate the sheer emotional and physical work it takes to create a fully healthy human being…and for those who have easy pregnancies and do not ever have to suffer what I have been through, I hope you can from this learn to count your blessings and know you are very very lucky woman! :D )

 

So while I am now in my 3rd trimester already, with this journal, to begin with anyway, I wanted to recount the milestones and the highlights (and the bottom lowpits too!) that I remember whether it was something physical, emotional, or something I learned about God in all this. Hopefully, by the time I finish my series, it will be just in time before bub arrives and I can start to share things about motherhood, how to balance life with a baby/family/work, amongst other things that I hope all you readers of Two Threaded Poppies have come to enjoy (ie. beauty, travel, fashion, food, and so on). I hope what I share offers some encouragement to those who may be going through something similar or know of someone going through the same, and for those who are not, feel free to ignore my sharings… or head on over to our instagram where there will be a much more varied mix of posts about all other things Two Threaded Poppies has curated for all of you to see :)

 

So… the back to the beginning. I found out I was pregnant in January. I will admit, that we were fortunate in the conceiving department. I don’t say it lightly, as I know quite a number of friends who have taken a long time to conceive, are still trying after years, or cannot get pregnant for various reasons. Ju and myself know how lucky and blessed we are … and don’t take it for granted in the slightest. To have been able to hold that test stick, and it read ‘positive’ was one of the craziest moments of elation I’ve ever had… It was almost surreal, so we went to the doctors for a blood test and it confirmed I was about 4+ weeks pregnant… and from there, it was a cautious but sure flurry in phone calls to our immediate families and our closest friends to let them know the news. After being married for 7 years, it was a welcomed piece of sharing that those around us rejoiced in together with us. I know most people tend to wait until after their first trimester to tell, but Ju and I have never been that kind of couple… we are fairly open and my only rule was that it was not allowed to be shared online anywhere, only personal and direct telling of friends which is what this kind of news should be received as anyway, right? :)

From there, I was excited, energised and just thrilled that I could finally enter a period in my life where I was granted the permission to eat whatever I felt like (well, almost haha, but we will go into that later) and not worry too much about getting fat! Yup, as a foodie, this was one part of being pregnant I was truly looking forward to. However, after a week of enjoying tonnes of good yummies, the dreaded nausea set in. It wasn’t overnight… in fact, only at about week 5.5 food started to go off in my mouth slowly… as if things that used to satisfy me and gave me great joy to consume began to switch off on my tastebuds. I then learned, this was what ‘morning sickness’ was. No one told me what it would feel like… nor did I know to what extent it could be suffered. Over the coming weeks, my sickness lasted all day, every day, and everything I put in my mouth tasted like poison. And it wasn’t like I was vomiting. It was just a severe WANT to vomit, severe motion sickness, but the body just wouldn’t let you purge or relieve itself. So it was complete torture….. it gave me vertigo, headaches, I went to bed hungry but unable to eat. I couldn’t even drink water without feeling like I wanted to throw it up. It just got progressively worse and worse with the peak around week 9 or 10 …. I remember only being awake long enough to eat my lunch and dinner (there were days I even forgot to shower because I was THAT sick), and I would be asleep the rest of the day/night just to pass the time. It felt like forever and an eternity in those few months. And nothing would relieve it. If anyone asks how I would describe the first trimester, I would use the word ‘survival’ – ie. do whatever you need to do to just get through each day one at a time. So what did I consume during that first trimester? Funny enough, I was able to eat burgers, fries, meat pies, only sweet drinks (I hated water), crackers, and oranges. Not consistently though… what I wanted would change on a daily basis, but it was kind of like within that group of foods for most of the time. I hated everything else… eggs, all meats, all seafood, all vegetables, all fruits (except oranges). And before any of you think I was making my baby suffer, our 8 week scan showed that bub had grown very well despite how awfully sick I was, and was 1 week ahead of size in terms of growth. It just goes to show that God’s creation is so amazing.

Throughout this period though, the house became somewhat of a mess (my poor husband did whatever he could when he wasn’t working/travelling for work), and I also had to cope with my own work. It was hard to explain to people why I was feeling poorly without telling them the reason why… I knew people were thinking with judgement I was either being lazy or slack for sitting at shoots, or not completing editing deadlines on time, and I hated that because if anyone knows me, knows just how hard I worked before I fell pregnant ….thankfully I have an amazing team of people who helped through this period… but would I go through the whole work (ie. my kind of work, which is very physical) AND being pregnant at the same time again? no….my advice to anyone who gets pregnant is to keep your workload and personal and home commitments as light as possible. Get help. Outsource your chores if need be. Do anything to survive those initial few months.

So yes, there were days I cursed being pregnant, and wondered what on earth I got myself into….but then at our 12 week scan, things changed. We did an 8 week scan as well, but at that point, all we saw was some odd shape that looked like the top part of an index finger, in a round sac. And at that point, you don’t develop any connection to your child. So it was hard to feel appreciative. However, at week 12, It was then that our doctor showed us for the first time the life we created. And I nearly cried looking at it. That experience I will share in my next entry along with how my body changed, all my emotional highs and lows, etc… so stay tuned :) And thank you for reading so far with me! If you have any questions, or comments, I’d love to hear them so please don’t be shy about chatting with me! :)

 

 

Jenny Signoff